God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
