Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
NoShamevember. You game?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
