I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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