I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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