Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Randomize
