if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
