We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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