Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
