he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
