If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
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