I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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