Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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