I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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