there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
