I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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