I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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