Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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