two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
