I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize