Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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