If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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