in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
