i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
