what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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