We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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