dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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