I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
