My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
