Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
