Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
