I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I am mentally ready for anal.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
