Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
