just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
