I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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