the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize