Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
