Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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