Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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