i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
