YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
