are you so shy because you have an std?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
