It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
