i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
