She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
