shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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