I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm sobbing to NWA
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
