Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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