he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
you inspire me to be a worse person
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
