Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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