how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
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