I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Randomize
