Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
