I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
