Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
NoShamevember. You game?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
