I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
