i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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