It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
