I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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