I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
