When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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