Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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