the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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